BE MY OASIS

Let me be your retreat,

From the stress of life,

From the battling children,

From the bills and fights.

Let me be an oasis,

Your fantasy realized,

Your secret lover,

Your intimate soulmate.

Let me into your heart,

Just into a corner,

I know it's filled,

With the love of another.

Let me be an oasis,

To quench your thirst,

Ease your restlessness,

Soften life's blows.

Be there for me,

As I am for you,

Sharing, loving and nurturing,

Be my oasis.

******

I never thought taht it would come to this. I have relentlessly given up my confidence to anything taht concerns romance. I was numbe, unfeeling and pessimistic. I was astray. My spirit was wandering in the blissful idea of being unattached.

Then came one night, when I was just drifting in my illusions, I spotted you or rather your words. You caught my attention. Not because I felt something different in that instant but rather because of the need to talk. I really like to talk. So, I grabbed the idea and asked you, "what's there to talk about?"

At first, I felt uneasiness on your end and that concerned me. You have a lot of questions and issues that you need to deal with but during the course of our conversation I realized, that there's somewhat a reason in you, pulling you away from dealing with it.

You said that you feel something for this person, whom unfortunately couldn't reciprocate the affection taht you are showing him.

At that moment, I felt a similarity in what I am feeling or rather what I felt.

I told you that I could emphatize with you because I have been there myself and I really could relate on your feelings. It just so happened, that on my side, it took me countless of years to get over it.

Then we just talked and talked. And that night was not the end of it, rather the beginning.

The past few days are very confusing for me. One part of my body says that I am just being presumptuous abiding with the call of desperation and hopelessness and another part of my body is saying that, "this is it", "this is really really it!"

I am not afraid to admit that these things don't come to my life like an everyday thing. It is very seldom for me to feel attracted to a person, albeit the person is somebody whom I haven't met yet.

But you liked me. And it is something I haven't heard, directed to me, for a long time.

I like you.

Not because you like me.

But because you are honest, sincere and true to yourself and your feelings.

I like you.

Because I felt a connection in our words and in our ideas.

I like you.

Because you are different from all the people that I have met in the same way that we did.

I like you.

Because you make sense.

Because you did not look at me in the way that most people do.

I like you.

Because you made me not lie and to say things just for you to like me.

I like you.

Because you're afraid. And that is the feelings of a true human being.

I like you.

Because you made me realize that emotional and mental attraction could surpass any superficial attraction there is.

I like you.

Because you are making me think.

I like you.

For the simplest things.

I like you.

Because of the "kilig factor" that I am experiencing everytime you are talking to me.

I like you.

Because of the smiles that I make, even though that when I am alone, most of the time the people around me would look at me and think crazy things.

I like you.

Because of the tingly feeling in the lower abs that you are telling me.

I like you.

Because . . . . . . . .

I like you so much.

Because I am hoping that someday I would love you and you would love me in return.

And the qualms of one-sided love would disspate into the nothingness once and for all.

And like an OASIS . . . . . you're a treasure for a person lost in the desert.

"And then the day came when the risk

To remain tight inside the bud was greater

than the risk to blossom"

Yesterday was one of those days, with an extra headache because of work, with another extra headache because of this guy who keeps on passing by my station. I found him irritating not because he is irritating in nature. His presence is very unnerving, anyway, I doubt that he still remembers me but still, the thought . . . . we almost had sex the first time we met but luckily we decided not to pursue our carnal intentions for each other as we have learned early that the two of us belong in the same company.

Honestly, I do not have any problems with the idea of having sex with somebody who's working in the same place where I work BUT what I do not like is the idea of socializing with the person that you had sex with in the past.

I dunno . . . . for me the idea of sex . . . . it's just SEX, unless I really like the person. Once I had sex with somebody just out of need or promiscuity, I don't want to see or to meet or to talk to the guy again. It just doesn't feel right for me.

Two ounces of headache and a pound of heart problem.

Risk. I want to talk about risks. While growing up, my parents never see me as a coward. I'm the kid who would go anywhere just to satisfy my curiosity. I remember one time that I got stucked in a drum because I insisted to my friends that I could fit in. Well the good news was, I fit in, and my friends lost a handful of toys, but the bad news, I couldn't get myself out.

The kind of attitude still runs in me as of today. I would jump off a cliff to prove gravity-however, gravity has been proven already. Darn! I would try to breathe underwater if I do not have the knowledge that humans doesn't have gills. I would go through countless adventures, as I said, just to satisfy my curiosity.

If there's RISK, of course, there's FEAR. I found the two inversely proportional; a person couldn't be a gambler if he is fearful. Of course, I am not superman to be fearless, but I have learned that I couldn't be happy without risking and facing fear.

A fear to get hurt is never in my senses. I dunno, I do not consider myself as a masochist to always crave for emotional torture but I am not afraid to get hurt. I've been there a lot of times, I've been hurt countless of times but I never seem to get tired of it.

I keep telling myself that life is a game or rather a gamble. In able for us to get what we want we have to always place our bets. If we fear that we will lose everything we have because of betting countless of times, we wouldn't achieve what we want. However, there are people who will just bet and bet without thinking. On the other hand, I could say that I am an intelligent gambler. There's study, there's observation. Once I see the right chance to bet, and then I'll give in. Of course, it's silly to place your bet if you really know that on that chip you wouldn't win. And I am not fucking silly or stupid to do that.

And not all game could be won. For me, it's better to be lost than to just sit in one corner and watch life pass by.

*sigh*

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool . . . To weep is to risk appearing sentimental . . . . . . To reach out for another is to risk involvement . . . . To expose true feelings is to risk exposing your true self . . . . . To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss . . . . . To love is to risk not being loved in return . . . . To live is to risk dying . . . . To hope is to risk despair . . . . To try is to risk failure . . . . But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing . . . . The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has Nothing and is nothing . . . . .They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot . . . . . Learn, feel, change, grow, love, live . . . . . Chained by their gratitude they are a slave, they have . . . . . Forfeited their freedom Only a person who risks is free

ODE TO NONSENSE

Before I start this bullshit, I have to give credit to XANGA for providing me the music here in my blog. Because of the endowed with blessings from XANGA I am now listening to CELL BLOCK TANGO and sheeeeeeeet! I'm singing my heart out and the people here in the office thinks that I am being possessed.

Anyway, no need for exorcism, don't worry. I need to be in the right mind to write something about reality.

By far, I have written so little about myself and what is happening around me, NOT because:

I do not want to face reality square in the face
I do not want other people to scrutinize my life

But because:

I have nothing worthy to write.

Let's just pretend that this has worth:

• Last night, after shift, my officemates, again dragged me to drink and be merry,
  or I dragged my officemates. Anyhow, it doesn't matter. We went home like 6 am,
  not thinking that I would still have to work in a couple of hours. We ended up
  eating goto in JP Rizal where most of the tricycle drivers and jeepney drivers
  hang out and eat. In fairness, that a good goto.
  
  
  
• I told Macy that she is already going overboard with regards to her behavior with Neil. I mean. Yes! She has the hots for the guy, who looks like a pirated version of Piolo Pascual (in fairneeeees, the guy is cute. So beat it!), but they're like tropa and everything. Macy just wants to get it over with, she says that "sex lang naman, talu-talu na!"
  
  
  
• While on my way to work earlier, I dropped by in ChinaBank to deposit some dough. I enjoyed walking the sidewalks of Makati, especially in the afternoon when the sun is not bitching around and the wind is blowing against my face, watching people. I like that. I really like that. I love Makati! Anyway, from ChinaBank, I went to McDO to treat myself a large coke and large fries, that's what I got from my suweldo. Then I just noticed these two guys, who were like holding their hands. Not holding but holding -holding their hand as in hold or more of grasping each other’s hands. Well, it's shocking at first but well, waddafuck! As mushy as it may sound . . . . . it was sooooo sweet. Now, I'm wondering, when can I do that with someone! Hehe. While eating fries in McDo.
  
  
  
• Until now I am still dreaming of watching Million Dollar Baby and still, I couldn't figure out a plan or a schedule and besides I need a date. Not because it is a somkinda uber-mushy film to drool about but I am not just used to watching a movie alone.
  
  
  
• I feel like I am starting to get into the light again. I dunno but I feel my life force is starting to rush into my system again. There's a certain feeling that I really really want to write about but I think that this is not yet the proper time to divulge my thoughts to other people. As you know, I am crazy at times, or rather crazy all the time.
  
  
  
  
  

TO YOU:

Right now, I am thinking about you. I do not know why or I do not know how you keep on popping in my senses every now and then. I know that you are a person of reasons, on the other hand I’m a person of "wala langs". I know that everything happens for a reason but I'm sorta like feel that it would be better to leave the reasons behind at times when I experience magic. And yes, you told me that if I am expecting magic, you are not the right person for that. I know that I might just be rushing into things or perhaps indulging into wishful thinkings but I want you to know that you are different. I like to talk to you. I enjoy your words and the way you "type" melch. I really hope that we could go to CCP and play bumcars and you can teach me how to ride a bike. Well, that's it for now. I miss you.